Dunfermline Press | Opinion

Published: Friday, 4th July, 2008 11:00

Cancer and Me

By Ann Shankland

Image related to story, see caption or article text

Ann Shankland (40), of Garden Place, Cairneyhill, beat breast cancer last year. Her blog relives her close encounter with the Big C.

In the spring of 2006 I found out about the Race for Life which was held in Kirkcaldy so I decided to do it in memory of my Auntie Margaret.

I was not able to go to her funeral so this was something I could do in memory of her which I felt she would have been proud of. I don’t think I knew what I’d let myself in for! It was way back in school when I last ran – I was good back then! I held the record for the 100m and was not too bad at the cross-country either. Still, now I was a mum and a good two and a half stone heavier! However, training started! Someone informed me that if you run to Crossford and back from Cairneyhill it's about three miles – the race length! So off I set! It was terrible! I was so knackered by the time I got to Crossford and then I had to do it all over again going back! Just too depressing! Not good for morale at all! So I came up with a cunning plan. I worked out that the edge of Dunfermline, just before the park, was about three miles. So I got my husband to drop me off in the car, I would then warm up and run home. It sounds daft, I know, but with each step I knew I was getting closer to my goal – it was also slightly downhill too which was a bit sneaky but I loved it!

My sponsor form arrived and I was amazed at the generosity of everyone who sponsored me. I was running about twice a week and after a while I was not taking quite as long to recover! The way I judged this was how long it took for my bright red face to go back to normal! The night before the race I got out my running number ready to go on the front of my tee-shirt. There was another A4 sheet for you to write who you were running the race for. It was not until this moment that I realized that there were two sides to this sheet. On one side it stated “I run this to celebrate...” and then you put the name. I turned over; the other side stated “I do this in memory of...” When I saw this I just broke down. Suddenly it was real. The whole reason I was doing this was because I’d lost my Auntie Margaret. To be honest that memory is so strong that even as I’m typing the tears are rolling down my face. I knew that the next day was not just about managing to run all the way round the course but whether I could do so and keep myself together emotionally too.

If you’ve never done the Race for Life, I’d encourage any woman to do it, whether you are capable of running it or just walking. It is a brilliant day. To read everyone’s messages on their sheets is just inspiring and heartbreaking all at the same time. It’s just a fantastic feeling – that you’re all there for the same reason. I found my two neighbors Gail and Nicky so we did the warm-up together. We then assembled for the start. My emotions started to get the better of me again. My eyes began to water and feel hot. “Don’t be stupid – pull yourself together” I told myself. Then off we went. I managed to keep up with them for most of the way. That year you went round the course twice. The second time the hills were a killer! I was just so determined to keep running. At one point I was running at a walking pace but on the home straight I thought I saw Nicky and Gail ahead and just pegged it! I ran so fast up to them and just shouted, “Come on, let's just go for it!” As I passed these two girls I realized that it was not Nicky or Gail and that I had just tried to motivate two complete strangers! I just kept running and did not look back! When I told them about it later they just about collapsed with laughter!

It was a couple of weeks after the race that I realized that I was not happy with my weight. Over the years it had slowly crept on. I’d blamed my son, to be honest! Then I found an old photo of when I had gone to Disneyland for the first time. Gosh, what did I look like! I then realized that at this time my son had not even been thought of! To be honest with you I’d never really had a weight problem for most of my life. Yes I’d usually gain half a stone at Christmas and again at Easter – a bit of a chocoholic, you see! However, I had always managed to lose that half stone before the next gain. Not now.

Now it was time to do something about it. Again it was quite an emotional step for me. You see, a few years ago I’d been pregnant and lost my baby. It seems daft but my chubby belly was the last memory of her. It had not been a straightforward pregnancy – but to be honest that’s probably another story.

Unbeknown to me Nicky had lost 3st with Slimming World. Isn’t it funny but when you know people how they are now, you just cannot imagine what they were like before. Anyway, I’d never even heard of Slimming World but she told me that there was lots of food you could eat so that you never had to go hungry! Well, that did it for me! To be honest I’d tried everything else and it just wasn’t working! Everyone said how healthy I ate so I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t losing weight. So off I went.

The rest as they say is history. I loved Slimming World – loads for me to eat and meals that the whole family could enjoy. In fact I was so impressed with the food optimising plan and the company I became a consultant myself on 27th October 2005. I was so excited at my new venture but I had no idea what was round the corner.

It was the end of November that year. It was just a normal day and I was in the shower getting ready for work (yes, it’s the shower scene now!). As I was washing myself I just decided to do a routine inspection of my breasts (as all us should do). I’d done this hundreds of times before but this time it was different. I found a lump in my right breast. I checked again – feeling the left and comparing it to the right. No, it was not the same. There was definitely a lump. My heart sank. My mum had found two lumps at different times but nothing had come of them. I don’t know why, but as my husband was home I asked him for a second opinion! Well, what can I say – he agreed with me, there was definitely a lump. I made an appointment with my doctor.

The appointment was just a couple of days later so not too long to wait. She confirmed that there was a lump and it should be checked out. She explained to me that I’d need an appointment at the hospital. They would make a small insertion and take a bit of the lump and test it, as well as do a mammogram. Two weeks later that was exactly what happened. It was now mid-December – my husband’s birthday and Christmas were looming. I cannot quite remember what day it was but I was in the bathroom. I’d just had a shower. Having a lump is a bit like having a spot – you cannot help but give it a poke every now and again. To me it felt enormous. I’ve only go small boobs to start with. I’d never been big up top! My mum had often teased me saying that they were like a couple of fried eggs on a plate! Yes, we are obsessed with food in our family. I started to think.

I’ve always had a good imagination but that can sometimes be a hindrance. I find it very easy to put myself into other people’s shoes and imagine how they must feel. I don’t know why but standing there in front of that mirror I just knew that I had cancer. It was just a gut instinct. My mind started to work overtime. I thought of my little boy and my husband. How would they manage with out me? Tears started to roll down my face. I watched them. What about Hugh's teeth? Brian never checks that he’s done them properly – it’s always me that does that. How would Brian cope with bringing up Hugh on his own – he’s a bus driver and works shifts. That’s not going to work and he’s not qualified to do anything else. How will he cope financially? I could hardly see myself in the mirror now for tears. I felt so helpless. I heard Hugh getting up. I had to pull myself together and get to work.

Christmas came and went and I then got an appointment to discuss the results at the hospital. I’ll always remember that day as we had to wait a long time in the weighting room. Hugh was with us. I’d decided as soon as I found out about the lump to be open with Hugh. I informed him that Mummy had a lump in her boob and we needed to find out what it was. As you can imagine, hospital waiting rooms are not a bundle of laughs for a little boy and he soon became bored. There were lots of couples sitting round, all of us looking nervous and uncomfortable. Suddenly Hugh asked at the top of his voice, “When’s the doctor going to have a look at the lump in your boob, mum?” Well it brought a smile to quite a few faces! Lucky my name was called next.

We were shown into the room. Brian was sat on my left and Hugh was on his knee. I was ready for the news. You see, I’d played this scene over in my head several times. What the doctor was going to say to me, how he would break it to me and how I’d respond. So, for me, it was not a shock when he said that the tests had come back and that unfortunately the lump was cancer. As soon as he’d got the words out of his mouth I just asked, “So what’s next?” He looked a little shocked but told me. He recommended that we took the lump out and then he recommended a course of chemotherapy and then radiotherapy followed by more chemotherapy. I agreed and asked when the operation would be – he stated next Wednesday. I thanked him and left with my family. Brian was in shock. He had just not seen this coming. He had no idea. I reassured him that it was going to be fine.

You see, as far as I was concerned I now knew what I was dealing with and I was ready to face it. Sorry Mr Cancer, but if you thought that this was going to be an easy ride then I had another journey for you! As far as I was concerned it was up to me as to how this was going to turn out. I’d remembered my Granddad's plight and just thought – that’s what I’m going to do. Anyway, as far as I was concerned it was just a lump – yes, it was cancerous but they were going to take it out. The other treatment was just an insurance policy to help make sure that it did not come back, so my Macmillan nurse informed me.

All of this information in one day was a bit too much for Brian. I think he was just thinking like everyone does – it will never happen to us – but it had. At night in bed it hit him. He broke down. We both just held each other crying – “I don’t want to lose you,” he said. “If you think you’re getting rid of me that easily, love, think again! Come on, we’ll get through this. I’m not going anywhere!” I replied. “Why you, though? You’ve never smoked – you’re so healthy – why?” I have to agree with him. I have always been fit and healthy. Since joining Slimming World I’d lost one and a half stone so far and I felt great. I hardly ever have colds and I’ve never had flu in my life! It didn’t seem fair – but life isn’t sometimes – you just have to get on with it. I convinced Brian that all would be well. After that we never discussed the D word – not being here was just not an option. It was never mentioned to my son either. All we told him was that the lump was a bad lump called cancer and it needed to come out. Mummy would need to have medicine after and she may not feel too well but once the medicine was finished she would be all better. He was okay with that and never bothered asking any extra questions.

I had to get organized – informed work of the operation and that I’d need to be off sick. I was doing just one Slimming World group at that time so I got a colleague, Susan Peters, to cover my class. The next Wednesday I was at the hospital. I had to get there early with no food being consumed. Being a total food addict who eats like a horse, that was hard for me! All I could think of is that I hoped I was first on the list so I didn’t have to wait hungry for too long! Unfortunately I was second!

It was mid-morning by the time they came for me and wheeled me to the operation theatre. They talked me through everything and then left me in the bed. I’d never had an operation before. Jane my work colleague had informed me of her experience and tried to reassure me. A nurse told me it would only be five more minutes and then I’d be taken though. Suddenly I was terrified! I was just about crying! I just literally had to say to myself, “For goodness' sake, pull yourself together! You’re going to be fine! They do these operations all the time and yours is going to be no different." That seemed to help! I must say I’ve always found talking to myself very good! You can always get a good sensible answer that you understand! If you don’t and you catch yourself arguing with yourself – phone for a doctor!

The operation went well and I woke up after, being pleased to see the nurse and then I was taken back to my room to sleep it off. When I woke Brian was there. He said later that I looked so helpless and weak before I woke. He said that it didn’t look like it me as I had no spirit. Still as soon as I gave him a sarcastic comment and started to order him around he realized I was OK! I was thirsty and starving. A nurse offered me some toast – after that I wanted a sandwich and a yogurt. I think she was surprised at how hungry I was! I must admit I love hospital food – it’s great! Mind you – food has to be really bad for me not to eat it!

I was home for the weekend having to carry a drain round with me. That was taken out on the Monday and I was back driving that day and did my Slimming World group that week. Life as they say goes on. For me that was the key to everything. I wanted everything to tick over as normal. Kids love a routine and Hugh had missed his mum when I was in hospital and he was pleased to get back to normal.

A couple of weeks later I was going to have my first lot of chemotherapy. It was explained to me that I would have four lots at the Dunfermline Hospital, and then five weeks getting daily radiotherapy treatment and finally another four doses of a different chemotherapy in Edinburgh as Dunfermline was not licensed for that one. The chemotherapy was done with a three-week break in between each session. Chemotherapy is introduced into your bloodstream via a saline drip. So the drip is put into the back of your hand and you just sit there and let it go in. The chemotherapy I received was then injected into the drip a bit at a time so that it does not burn the veins – the saline solution thins it down and helps to carry it round your system. So it’s a lot of sitting round taking anything up to about an hour.

Once you’ve had your first lot you then seem to live your life on a three-week cycle. It’s terrible really as you just wish your life away counting down the weeks to your next chemo. As soon as I’d had my first lot I thought one down – three more to go! Before the next chemo you need to get your blood tested to see how your blood cell count is. Your count drops and you can be susceptible to catching illnesses so you need to be careful. Some people stop work but I wanted to continue – we needed the money, to be honest with you – who doesn’t! Also I wanted to keep things as normal as possible for the family. I remember after one blood test being told that the count was not high enough and I would not be able to have chemo that day. I was so gutted; as soon as I put the phone down I just burst into tears! Looking back now it was just daft but at the time you just psych yourself up for it so when it does not go to plan it feels as though your world just collapses. Also I like to be in control – I think that’s why I coped so well with everything. It was me making the decision to do things and continuing on, so when my body let me down I was frustrated!

As soon as you have chemo it’s not long after that your hair can start to fall out. The Macmillan nurse had given me a voucher to go and get a wig so I was quite keen to see them! Ever since I was young I’ve always wanted blue streaks in my hair – the colour of a police car's flashing light! However, having black hair you would need to bleach it and then put the colour in. Unfortunately it would not last very long so I’d never found a hairdresser who recommended that I did it! So, now was my chance! I went along with my sister to the wig place in Edinburgh and had a fun hour trying wigs on! Joyce took her camera with her so we could take photos! She tried on a couple too! I was as pleased as punch when they said they could do a black wig with blue streaks! My dream had come true!

I’d been giving a lot of thought to my hair falling out. To be honest with you, I saw it as a bit of a pain and a nuisance – I couldn’t be bothered waking up every morning to find that I lost more to my pillow or in the shower. At the time I was a member of my son’s school's parents' association. We were trying to raise funds for new computers. Driving along with my husband I just asked him one day, “How would you feel if I got my head shaved for charity?” “Yep," he replied, “Why not!” The next night was our parents' association meeting so I unveiled my plans. I think some of them were shocked but others just laughed as they knew what I was like! I spent the next couple of weeks contacting hairdressers and village shops asking them to have a sponsor form for people to sign if they wanted. I spoke to everyone personally myself because I’m a firm believer that it you ask people to help, they will do. I got out at least 50 myself in this manner and the kids from school all got one home as well. I contacted the newspapers and arranged with a parent who owns Sheds for the shaving to happen. On the day I also emailed Boogie in the Morning and he announced it on his show too!!

It was a cold day on the day of the shaving. My mum – who thought it was a fab idea – came up to see it done. To be honest with you, I was so pleased to be getting it done as it had been falling out something rotten and was driving me crazy. If I had not been getting it shaved publicly I’d have done it myself a week earlier! I’d actually been worried that I would not have enough hair left – but there was! The photographer was there and all went well. I loved it! Would you believe it when I came out of Sheds it had started to snow! Typical! Mum lives in Carlisle so she went straight home and I went round town to show off my new hair do!

My new wig made quite an impression on people as you could imagine! When I was in work there was one gentleman who asked me if I supported Rangers and was that why I had the blue streaks in my hair! I just told him yes! Typical fella – everything has to evolve round football! So far I was just taking everything in my stride. A reporter called me to get quotes to go with the story. The newspaper came out. I bought a couple of copies as my Mum wanted one and so did my sister. I took them back to work and showed the photos to my colleagues! They looked brilliant. I then went to the back to have my lunch and read all about me! I started to read the article. Suddenly it was real again. They kept on saying this “Brave Cairneyhill woman – battling cancer, etc”. I started to cry. I’d been so wrapped up in the fundraising side I’d forgotten that the human interest here was me. Lorna came through and saw me crying. “What’s the matter?” she asked. “It’s me!” I replied pointed to the article. “I know love, will you be ok?” “Yes,” I nodded drying my eyes. “It’s just when you see it in black and white – it’s just a bit of a shock!” We managed to raise about £3,400 with the sponsorship. I was so pleased! It was a lot of effort collecting it back in but well worth it. Half went to the school for the computers and half to Macmillan nurses in Fife.

One thing about being so public with my cancer plight was that so many people approached me saying that they had been through the same. There was a lady in my village – her son was a year older than me – and she’d had the same thing. I must admit I’ve always found people in general to be very supportive. I got a lot of comments about how brave I was but to be honest I didn’t feel brave at all. I was just doing what I needed to survive. Getting my hair shaved off to me was a bit of a cop out! I mean – it was going to fall out anyway! Now getting it shaved off when there was no reason to do – that would have been brave! Never say never!

When I look back now it seems such a long time ago that all this happened. My hair grew back – not the same as before. It’s now very curly – I’m just like a new-born lamb! That’s taken a bit of getting use to. My scar is so neat and really just a beautiful little silver line. The lump only was 1.9 cm long (less than an inch!). I remember the doctor telling me that they had thought it was 2 cm but it was only 1.9 cm. He looked really pleased about this so I just said “Oh good!” To me 0.1 cm didn’t really matter but obviously it did to him!

My son is pleased that his mum is back to normal – or a normal as I get! You never properly know what they understand and what they don’t with something like this. One day he came running over to show me a nettle rash on his leg. With a worried look on his face he said “Mummy, I’ve got a lump – do you think it’s cancer?” I was a bit shocked and saddened at this but I had a good look and then said “No, definitely not!” “Good,” he replied and went off to play again. I just thought, God bless him, the poor wee mite obviously thinks that any lump could be cancer. I think that will pass though, but it just goes to show that they take it all in.

After all of my treatment I’d like to say that everything went back to normal. It did for a little while but it’s true what they say, it can be life-changing. My life has totally changed. I’m longer employed but I’m self-employed. I now do Slimming World full-time and love it! It was a big change for me but I’m so glad I’ve done it. I went part-time first until I built up my groups and then in September 2007 I just went for it! Knowing that I’m able to help people change their lives for the better is a fantastic feeling. At the moment I see about 185 people over the week. I’m hoping that will soon be over 250! I’ve got one lady who’s lost five and a half stone in one year and she looks fabulous! She’s retired too! Just goes to show – age doesn’t matter!

Unfortunately a villager is going though treatment at the moment too. She told me that she’s got the same Macmillan nurse as I had. I had to laugh when she said that I was her role model! I’d never seen myself as a role model but I suppose it’s a good thing to be. If I can just help one person then it’s a blessing.

I’ve always known, since I was about 18, that life is for living and that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. As the famous saying goes, “Life is not a dress rehearsal!” Everything I’ve done in life has been my decision and I’m a firm believer in living life to the full. I treat each day as if it could be my last – you just never know. Every day walking my son to school I always say to him, “Have I told you something today?” He replies, “What?” I say, “I love you Hugh!” Telling someone you love them is such a simple thing to do, but just so important. If you get anything out of reading this today, tell someone that you love them and keep doing so!

With love

Ann

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