Published: Monday, 29th June, 2009 11:58am

Silly Blogger: Has Anyone Seen My Face?

by Silly Blogger

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I left my face on the Cairneyhill bus. Has anyone seen it?

The incident happened on the 12th June when I took the bus from Cairneyhill to the main Bus Station in Dunfermline, where I was planning on participating in some light shopping and possibly some petty crimes.

The ride was very comfortable and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed the journey. In fact, it was so enjoyable, I took my face off while I had a snooze, and put it on the seat beside me.

Upon reaching my destination, I departed the bus and thanked the driver. I think she said her name was Mildred although there were dogs barking at the time so it might have been something else, possibly Martin.

She was so informative and pleasant to talk to, I hardly noticed her occasional spasms. I almost wish I could have spent the rest of the day in her company. However, I had shopping to do!

As I visited the stores on the High Street, I gradually became aware that people were looking at me. At first I thought they were simply admiring my tee shirt (it had a photograph of my entire shed collection on it), so I took the shirt off and threw it into oncoming traffic. However, even shirtless, I kept getting "funny looks". It was quite unnerving.

In fact it wasn"t until I visited an optician to try on spectacles that I thought to look in the mirror. It was then that I discovered I was short one face.

Of course the glasses I had just placed on my head fell straight to the floor with no nose or ears to support them but thankfully a friendly staff member picked them up and placed them back on the shelf.

I"m sure you can imagine how embarrassed it made me to see my featureless reflection in the mirror and I"m certain that wherever it was, my face was glowing red.

Of course, as soon as I realised what had happened I raced back to the Bus Depot, but the bus I had arrived on had long since moved on. My face was lost in the Dunfermline transport system, no doubt having adventures of its own.

It"s been a few weeks since the face incident, time enough for it to have been handed in but the lost property office doesn"t seem to have any leads.

That"s why I"m asking here, on the Dunfermline Press website.

My face has blue eyes (2), a pointy nose, full lips and, I expect by now, a full beard. It won"t be attached to a body.

Luckily the good people at the Dunfermline Press recently sent me a pencil and I have drawn a temporary one on, but nonetheless I look forward to seeing my face again. Let me know if you see it.

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James Spence is the author of Silly Beggar: The World"s Stupidest Begging Letters, published by Aurora Metro Press, available now from all good bookshops.